I need to get used to the rate at which things won’t work out in my favour. The girl in Japan has no idea of what I think of her—no idea of all the high strung fantasies I have of her giving me a sign, any sign, that she likes me back. I can say almost for sure that this won’t work out in my favour. It’s a measure of luck and I can’t gauge that.
But there’s other, smaller things, that bother me. I have a crush on a lesbian, for example. Not really sure what I’m going to do about that one (probably why it made this list), but at least she’s on the same continent. She’s awesome, though, that’s for sure. Maybe what I like about her so much is all stemming from the fact that she’s gay. She smiles at me without anything held back. Basically the same flirting techniques as normal, but without the sexual weight to them. It fits someone like me so well, someone who is so far off relationships that he’s grown bitter of them. I can only take in small bites.
That’s three. Two of them are about females. Funny, coming from a self-proclaimed lone fucking ranger. I was told that people never notice those who are infatuated with them, and when they find out, they want nothing to do with them. The hare is dead before the fox is even unleashed. It’s no fun. Japan-girl will figure it out eventually and then the game’s over for her. And me.
I used to be good with people, I really did. It was an authentic kind of “good,” too. The kind where I really meant what I say. These days I’ve become something just short of a cynic. I’m a bitter old crank at the age of 26 and it feels awful. I blame it on not having a partner, but I doubt it’s the reason. I’m just too used to being in a relationship. Spent eight years after graduation in different kinds of relationships and being alone for this long changes a lot of that. Turns it upside down, really. Getting used to being alone scares me a little, because what if I like it?
